Okay in the midst of all this craziness I realized where I had gone wrong. Again I am not listening to my heart and it is a major reason why I was so susceptible to all this chaos. 

I feel so much better now! I thank God for helping me feel better. I just got through cleaning and will cook something for my parents when  they get home.

I was thinking about something after I got of the phone with a friend last night. I realized I was trying to be too much like everybody else and not really be the person God made me to be. I was too busy trying to leave behind the 'not so desireable parts' of myself and cover it up by being somebody else.

I always wanted to be known as the hip sista from the city. That is not me.

I come to myself and realized that I am a country girl at heart and at the same time still have class.  I like wide open spaces and green grass. I love to run around outside in the fresh breeze. I enjoy my privacy and quiet. I like to visit or commute to the city for work, but I like living in the quiet.

Hey, people from the city can be as loud and obnoxious like folks in the country and the country folks can be as ghetto and loud as the city people! I have seen both sides, neither is a pretty picture.

There are few that you find from either side that don't fit the stereotype. These are people with class. Having class shows that one is confident in herself. She does her best to understand others, and does not lash out when things not go her way. Class is not about knowing everything in the world, and living in a popular area.

I dont consider myself loud ignorant person. Nor am I the ghetto type, so why do I need to worry? Stereotypes are for people who don't know any better.

Truth be told, it all boils down that the individual.

I always had a fear of others thinking that I am uncultured or inpet b/c I am from a small town and live out in the country in the South. I had this insecurity for years. I didn't realize at the time that people come from all walks of life. Me being myself is just adding to the diverse people that God created.

I was always trying to catch up with the Jonses' not materialistically, but in the sense of knowing doing and being the latest know-it-all. I realized that I don't have to be so ostentacious to show others what I know.

I am not left behind. I am right where I am supposed to be, God has me here for a reason.

I learn the quieter I am the better it is. It is okay if people undermine me, I can't help that. It takes time for people to get to know me and me to get to know others.

I do admit that I have a hunger for learning about different cultures. But I don't have to be hard on myself because I don't know how others may do things totally. It does not matter where I live or who I am around, I can still be my own individual!

No matter what else is going on around me my life still continues.

I have been fighting off a cold for about a week now. It all started when I woke up with a sore throat on Monday morning. Then Tuesday I had a bit of a sinus attack to go with it. I realized that I have been in and out in this crazy weather (one day it is warm and sunny then the next day it is freezing, almost in the thirties, brrrrrrr!) It is like hot cold hot cold, in out in out of the heat and into the cold agian.

My body is saying to me, 'what temperature do you want me to be?!' I was confusing my body and now I just decided to stay inside for the rest of the day. I rested well last night. I look forward to tomorrow; I get to finish up my paperwork and wait until my parents get back form Indiana. I had the whole place to myself this week and enjoyed it!

...It is the same with where I should go next in life. At what place should I be?! I feel confused at times. I really do look forward to getting my own place soon. However it is more than just being 'grown'. I have been watching a lot of HGTV and picked up on a lot of tips in getting a new place. I love reading about and learning new things. Having your own place takes MONEY. In order to save more, I was even considering taking online graduate courses and just somehow muscle out the balance of being in school and living at home. I was thinking about even staying home for a few years and just pay off my student loan debt year by year and be debt free when I move out. (It sounds crazy but it might actually work!)

Should I just get a Master's that is close to my field and move from there, or should I just wait?

Or I could keep my mind fresh by just reading and taking up a few courses at HGTC down the street.

Who knows? I don't want to be in debt too long. Making money and using it wisely takes sacrifice and discipline. I think it would be better for me to sacrifce now and play later when a have a family.

Only God knows!

What's your favorite thing about the holidays? Least favorite? 

The Good: Jesus is the reason for the season.

               No school for a couple of weeks.

               Spending time with family and friends and relaxing.

               Eating.

              Shopping and Decorating

The Bad: When the main reason Jesus Christ has been taken out of the real meaning of Christmas. The CEO and huge businesses, and all the commercialization destroy what Christmas is really about. 

It is really hard to forgive others. It is harder to let go and let God. It is the hardest to forgive yourself after you have done something wrong and you have hurt others. I have been going through some tough times I really caused it on myself, due to my carelessness. 

I see others married and with children. Others with local friends that they can call on when they need to talk. Mine are scattered all over the US. I feel alone. I feel misunderstood sometimes. Why am I feeling lonely? I try to take and move on but I just can't. I get frustrated over simple things. I want to enjoy my single life but it comes with costs. I am selfish because I want the freedom of being single but the companionship of dating and having a significant other confide in me. I dreaded moving back home b/c I feared it would make the condition worse. I keep standing in the why of my own success on earth and more spiritual breakthroughs. Oh Lord, Where do I go from here?. I am full of ambiguity......I want to step out on faith in courage but then I am fearful of making mistakes even though I know God has me. I am hurting emotionally because I feel have to refrain from being myself to keep peace for a while. I feel taken for granted at times because I am feel others only see me as attractive and talented. It is not my own doing but God's he is preparing me for what's to come, it is just how I take my chances. I unlike Tyler Perry I Can't do all bad by myself.

You know, I thought about something. Remember earlier in my blog when I mentioned that I almost got fired because of a jealous teacher? Well the results turned out that I am still hired only problem is that I cannot go back into the schools because of it. He intervened for me once again and am still there. Thank God! It just hit me. I am filling out grad school applications and catching up on stuff. Now I have the whole day to concentrate on school and still get my work hours in. Before I was working all day and when I got home I was too tired to do anything else. But now I can get a lot done before going into work.

It is better to be in the quiet, I say. Sometimes when my standards don't match that of others I gotta be careful. Sometimes I gotta go away from others to get what I need to get done. I need not to waste my time with people and argue with them. That is my problem. Instead of me leaving and moving on I feel that I have to force others to confide in me. Guess what. It won't happen.